After a loved one has passed, one of the hardest parts is healing. Grief can make a person extremely lonely and overwhelmed. We all wish to honor our loved ones. They truly deserve it. They’ve sacrificed their lives in providing the best for us. While life may be transient memories are forever. We can’t be separated from them. They stay with us long after our loved one has drawn their last breath. The fact is that death cannot touch the person we truly love. Only life ends, but not love. Thus the question arises how can we show our love to a grieving friend?
The reality is that it’s hard to console a grieving friend, but they need us. We try to choose the right words or actions. Sometimes it’s helpful, other times it can be taken the wrong way. One comfort we can provide is a keepsake of the loved one. I’ve had many contact us at Cherished Keepsakes stating that they were getting keepsakes from us as a form of support to the family. Sometimes, they’ll take on the task of gathering the information and being the primary contact on the family’s behalf since they’re so overwhelmed. Creating a remembrance of their loved ones with the help of a keepsake that they can see over and over again provides greater solace.
Nine ways to console a grieving friend
It can be challenging to know what to say to someone grieving. There’s no particular way in which sorrow can be diminished. If you’re wondering how to help your suffering friend, here are some ways to assist and provide for them.
- Listen to your friend.
- Provide practical support.
- Let them cry.
- Keepsake and memorial gifts.
- Talk about their loved ones.
- Encourage laughter.
- Keep in touch with them.
- Ask what they need.
- Keep the focus on them.
Listen to your friend:
Listening to your companion is one of the simplest ways to support your grieving friend. Pay attention to their feelings more than anything else. Always actively listen to your friend and avoid any judgements. Try to understand the suffering process. You’ll be helping your friend and making them feel better. Sometimes words aren’t needed, but ears.
Provide practical support:
Offering valuable support to your friend can be a lifesaver for them. We can forget our basic needs when grieving so try to focus on what your friend’s immediate needs are. Some of those, naturally, are preparing a meal, taking care of other family members, helping with laundry, providing financial help, buying groceries for them, visiting them regularly, etc. All of these put action behind words and provide support in a different, but needed form.
Let them cry:
Console your friend and let them know it’s okay to cry. Help them understand that it’s essential to let it come out in this phase. Don’t let them hold their feelings. Acceptance is part of the process and it will eventually come out. Embrace their feelings and emotions. Crying is one of the crucial aspects of the grieving process and helps healing take place. Let it come out in this phase.
Keepsake and memorial gifts–
Keepsakes are another vital way of expressing grief. It is one of the significant ways of remembering your loved ones. Keepsakes help to keep the memories of loved ones alive. Keepsakes like memorial buttons, mobile portraits, prayer cards, remembrance gifts, etc., are some of the simplest ways to help your friend come out from their grief. They help families honor the legacy of their loved ones by grasping their essence.
Talk about their loved ones–
Don’t be afraid to bring up the person who passed. Talk about them. When my uncle passed many of the family were given the usual condolences via a text group. Though it’s via text I can feel the despondent tone. I wondered what I could say that would convey my condolences, but also the impact he had in my life? I typed a memory I had of our unique interactions and how he was right after all. It changed the whole dynamic. Everyone began chiming in with their stories and it became such a cathartic and healing experience. When my Aunt called me to handle the keepsake design she personally thanked me for the memory I shared.
Therefore, let your friend express feelings about their loved ones and feel free to bring up your memories of them to break the ice. Don’t hesitate in asking questions about the fond memories they had too. It helps them to talk about their loved ones more openly. Talk to them in such a way that they feel lighthearted and you help transform grief into healing.
Encourage laughter:
You gotta break the downtrodden mood. Grief is a heavy process but encouraging laughter can provide a mix. Laughter is the easiest way to heal heavy hearts and provide strength to deal with the situation. We do it all the time at Cherished Keepsakes. It doesn’t have to be much. For instance, we need an email address from the family for communication. When they say their email address is yahoo, Hotmail or aol.com I respond, “Whew, you must’ve had that for a while.” Always brings a chuckle. Simple, but enough to break the somberness of the situation and contributes to the great experience families have. Relax with your friend and talk with them openly. Try to make them happy by arousing a sense of positivity in them. Never demoralize them or disenfranchise their grief.
Keep in touch with them:
Try to communicate with your friend. Stay with them, encourage them, eat together, go for a walk, talk about their loved ones etc. It is a way of showing kindness towards them when the other world has moved on. Try to help them to recover from this loss. Boost and inspire them. Never let them feel down and isolated. Try to keep a watch on your friend’s activity. Stop them if they switch to abusive habits like overconsumption of alcohol or smoking to overcome their unhappiness. Even more important is staying in touch after the service has passed. Many families get an outpouring of support at that beginning and up to the service but need it even more after as they begin to get back into life without their loved one, which is extremely difficult.
Ask what they need:
Your friend may not need much except your support. But, it’s your moral duty to ask if they require anything. They may not be in a condition to ask. However, still, ask anyway, “Is there anything I can help you with?” It will help the person in grief feel motivated and give them the strength to face the situation and accept help. Try to understand the necessary items that you can assist them with.
Keep the focus on them:
Depression is one of the biggest dangers at this time. Do not let them fall into deep despair. Keep an eye on them so that they don’t feel isolated and alone in their grief. Your friend is undergoing intense pain, loss, grief and sadness; put yourself in their shoes to better understand them and make them feel comfortable. Give your friend their personal space but maintain a keen watch on their wellbeing.
Things you should never say to a grieving friend
There are many ways to show love and support. There are also several reminders about behaviours to avoid. People may not be aware that their words may cause the grieving person to feel lower than they already are. This is called disenfranchising their grief. Here are some thoughts on what one should not do when grieving.
- Don’t diminish their grief.
- Never compare with your experience.
- Avoid using platitudes.
- Don’t push your faith.
- Don’t comment on a grieving person’s appearance.
Don’t diminish their grief–
Sometimes, people unintentionally diminish loved ones’ grief by saying, “Gone too soon”, “Everything will be fine”, “It was meant to be”, “That’s the life they lived,” etc. You should avoid such sorts of unnecessary comments. It will not reduce their pain. Listen to their grief without judgement. If you’re at a loss as to what to say simply be silent and listen as we mentioned earlier. Sitting silently can be therapeutic for your friend.
Never compare with your experience–
You should never be tempted to compare their losses. It may lead to unnecessary anger and frustration. You might have undergone the same situation earlier, but the comparison will never be a helpful option. Only share your experience if your loss is similar to your friend’s or if they asked what helped you during your loss. Lastly, avoid drawing inappropriate comparisons about grief; it disenfranchises their grief.
Avoid using Platitudes:
Platitudes are one of those things which you should avoid. You should avoid phrases like, “They are in a better place now”, “It is part of God’s plan”, “He wouldn’t want you to be sad”. Such platitudes only make a person feel low and, in some cases, imply malintent.
No words can make their pain diminish. The best thing you can offer is a warm hug, active listening and a comforting presence. Always think twice before saying anything to a grieving person. We want to help heal not frustrate them more.
Don’t push your faith–
Looking at your grieving friend can compel you to share your religious faith with them. Although you want your friend to feel comfortable, you should resist sharing such information unless you share the same faith. If it’s different than theirs only share your faith when the grieving person is interested.
Don’t comment on a grieving person’s appearance–
One should avoid passing comments on how a grieving person looks as they might feel that they’re being judged. Refrain yourself from saying that you look pathetic, exhausted or unhappy. Commenting on physical appearance may seem fine. Many times it’s done in jest, but it’s more harmful than helpful.
Actions Always Trump Words
Grief is a situation that we cannot explain in words. Sometimes life does not give us what we want, not because we don’t deserve it but because we deserve more. We all cherish our loved ones and want to stay with them forever. But life has different plans that no one can predict. You can permanently preserve memories of their loved ones with the help of keepsakes, memorable gifts and expressions of fond memories. Always learn to become someone’s power and inspiration. Remember that whenever grief tries to steal the beauty of memories, love never dies.
